Here I’m settled on the couch, in a dark corner of my living room, with my computer on my lap. Having nearly 20 tabs or several others open, all of which have another video, another picture, another set of videos or playlist that waiting for me to tab on.
My body is so excited and my eyes are wide open, my heart is pumping blood as if I’m running a marathon.
I’m on an emotional roller coaster, torn between excitement that every click brings, and fear of getting caught while browsing. And the sad feeling about the voice inside me urging to quit.
I constantly start and stop. The release of built-up pressure is not my goal. I always strive for that next level of pleasure. There is always that next click that can bring more excitement. I can go on for hours and still desire that next click.
Endless water that I can’t get enough of, nor it can fulfill my addiction.
I’m so exhausted and drained, I’m closing my eyes. I just can’t get enough. My entire body is screaming for me to stop and take a break. I feel like I’m running like a pig toward the edge of the cliff.
I’m closing my eyes and going back to the beginning of it all. Nearly thirty years prior.
I remember when I was a young boy having fantasies about the human body. Naked bodies fascinate me so much that I always wanted to look at myself naked.
I discovered the fascination of touching myself and being naked when I was 7 or 8, even with no computer or magazine.
My childish body didn’t even realize what’s happening; it just knew that it was giving me pleasure even before I started experiencing an erection.
Growing up, I kept touching myself the same way I used to before spontaneous erection occurred; my body flooded with blood and excitement, and I continued playing until I experienced my first orgasm. I was so terrified, not knowing what just happen.
I was unaware of the terms “sex” and “masturbation,” or the link they had to watching nudity.
I continued to touch myself for sometime, seeking that sensation I had once experienced, which I later learned is called an orgasm.
Later, I discovered I can get erections from movies that have kissing or touching scenes.
This sparked my imagination and increased my habit of seeking more opportunities to masturbate. I was trying to find any picture of girls who were nude or partially nude.
During that time, I learned about marriage and sex through friends and pictures. They emphasized that marriage is sacred and sex should only occur after marriage. I came to understand that my actions were sinful, and I needed to stop masturbating.
I used to be very shy. I would avoid girls, even if they were my friends. But when I’m alone, I often fantasize about them sexually.
Even though I tried too hard relying on the church for solace and confessing regularly, I still kept falling back into my old habits.
I kept telling myself I’m just a teenager and once I grew up, this will go away and I will be more in control.
After graduation, I gained independence through a part-time job. With the money I saved, I bought a computer. This computer allowed me to browse the internet and find the nude pictures I desired.
I went to church many times for confession. I shared my struggles with my priest. I told him I couldn’t stop using the computer for masturbation. He encouraged and supported me, but I still couldn’t overcome this habit.
Relocation
Seeking career opportunity, I moved from the city where my family and my church are to a new state in search of work. Unfortunately, my lack of focus caused me to take twice as long, about 4 years, to achieve what I could have in 2 years. I would start things but then get distracted by my own desires, leading me to drift.
Where I moved I had fast internet and with that came double the speed and double the excitement that I used to get with just dial up speed. I used to pretend to study closing my doors but in reality I spend countless hours online hunting nude picture.
It was around that time also that I started my library of porn movies too.
