Here I am, settled on the couch in a dark corner of my living room with my computer on my lap. Nearly twenty tabs are open, each with another video, another picture, another set of playlists waiting for me to click on.
My body is on edge, my eyes wide open, and my heart is pumping as if I’m running a marathon. I am on an emotional roller coaster, torn between the excitement each click brings and the fear of getting caught while browsing. And then, there’s the deep sadness of the voice inside me urging me to quit.
I constantly start and stop. The release of built-up pressure isn’t my goal. I’m always chasing the next level of pleasure, the next click that promises more excitement. I can go on for hours, and still, I desire that next click. There is endless water that I can’t get enough of—yet, it can never fulfill my addiction.
I close my eyes and go back to the beginning of it all—nearly thirty years ago.
I was a young boy having fantasies about the human body. Naked bodies fascinated me so much. I discovered the thrill of touching myself and being naked when I was seven or eight years old, even without a computer or magazine. My childish body didn’t understand what was happening, but it knew that it was giving me pleasure, even before I started experiencing erections.
Growing up, I kept touching myself the same way I used to before spontaneous erection occurred. My body flooded with blood and excitement, and I continued until I experienced my first orgasm. I was so terrified, not knowing what had just happened. I was unaware of the terms “sex” and “masturbation,” or the link they had to watching nudity.
I continued to touch myself for some time, seeking that sensation I had once experienced, which I later learned was called an orgasm. I discovered I could get erections from movies with kissing or touching scenes. This sparked my imagination and increased my habit of seeking more opportunities to masturbate. I was trying to find any pictures of nude or partially nude girls.
During that time, I learned about marriage and sex through friends and pictures. They emphasized that marriage is sacred and sex should only occur after being wed. I came to understand that my actions were sinful and that I needed to stop masturbating.
I used to be very shy. I would avoid girls, even if they were my friends. But when I was alone, I often fantasized about them sexually. Even though I tried hard to rely on the church for solace and regular confession, I still fell back into my old habits. I kept telling myself I was just a teenager and once I grew up, it would go away, and I would be more in control.
After graduation, I gained independence through a part-time job. With the money I saved, I bought a computer that allowed me to browse the internet and find the nude pictures I desired.
I went to church many times for confession. I shared my struggles with my priest and told him I couldn’t stop using the computer for my sinful desires. He encouraged and supported me, but I still couldn’t overcome this habit.
Relocation
Seeking career opportunities, I moved from the city where my family and church were to a new state in search of work. Unfortunately, my lack of focus caused me to take twice as long—about four years—to achieve what I could have in two. I would start things but then get distracted by my own desires, leading me to drift.
In my new place, I had fast internet, and with that came double the speed and excitement compared to the dial-up connection I was accustomed to. I used to pretend I was studying, closing my doors, but in reality, I spent countless hours online hunting for nude pictures. It was around that time that I also started my library of porn movies.
