When I first started my career, I moved out of my roommate’s place into my own apartment. I told myself it was for independence—but part of me wanted privacy. Privacy to continue a habit I had been battling for years. What began as curiosity had grown into something I could no longer control.
I spent hours online. It filled my nights and even crept into my thoughts during the day. I started rearranging my schedule to make time for this secret life. I thought it was just a way to unwind—but it was consuming me.
At work, I struggled to stay focused. I was tired, restless, and distracted. I changed jobs often, thinking that a new environment would fix what was wrong inside me. But no matter where I went, I carried the same addiction with me. My addiction was a coping mechanism. I was numb to everything in life and became what the Bible describes.
“They have struck me, but I was not hurt; they have beaten me, but I did not feel it. When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?”(Proverbs 23:35).
Despite being knocked down time and time again and receiving countless wake-up calls from God, I kept returning to porn, much like a drunk who always stumbles back to his old ways. Each time I woke up, I would search for porn.
Deep down, I believed marriage would solve it all. I hoped that love would heal what was broken. But I was afraid to be honest about my past, so I delayed getting married for a long time. Eventually, I met someone gentle and kind—someone I hoped would be the turning point in my life.
When we got married, things improved for a while. Her presence brought peace, and I felt deeply connected to her. But during moments of tension or personal stress, I slipped back into old habits. I hated I was hiding something from the person I loved most. And yet, I kept telling myself I could manage it quietly. I couldn’t.
Soon, the strain reached our marriage. Frustration grew. The distance between us widened. I woke up each day exhausted—not just physically, but spiritually. It felt like my life was sliding downhill, with no way to stop the fall.
Lost, Yet Stubborn
At my lowest, I turned to God—not with well-formed words, but with a desperate heart. I admitted my weakness. I told Him I was lost. And I asked for His help.
To my surprise, He responded with grace. Within weeks, the tension in our home softened. My work life stabilized. My heart felt lighter. It was as if the storm had paused, and I could breathe again.
But I didn’t stay faithful.
Despite the peace, I found myself returning to old habits, turning away from God’s mighty hand, breaking my promise, and trying to drink from that same water He warned me about. Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again.
I organized my life in a way that guaranteed I had the free time I needed away from everyone just to watch porn. This is how bad I had gotten—and it only got worse. I felt ashamed. The addiction had become a stronghold in my life, shaping my thoughts, my schedule, and my self-worth. I began questioning everything—even my own identity.
I couldn’t understand why God hadn’t walked away. I was tired of disappointing Him. I was tired of disappointing myself. I felt like I had failed as a husband, a man, and a follower of Christ.
“A dog returns to his own vomit,” and“ a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire” (2 Peter 2:22).
And yet… in the middle of that mess, something began to change. I started to write—not because I had overcome, but because I needed to bring the darkness into the light. I hoped that by being honest with God and others, healing could begin.
***
But there, in the darkest place, I began my journey. I wasn’t sure where it would take me, but I hoped that with my commitment to writing, I could find healing for my soul.
Oh God, where can I hide from You? To the mountain? You are there. In the deepest sea, You are there. In Jonah’s fish, You are there. In Lazarus’ tomb, You are there. You can see me and see through me.
Yet, Your voice echoes in my ears, saying:
“Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one; For my head is covered with dew” (Song of Solomon 5:2).
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me” (Revelation 3:20).
