When I started my career, the first thing I did was move out from my roommate’s place to have my own space and uninterrupted internet access for watching all the porn I wanted. I’d spend days and nights downloading movies, even leaving my computer running while I was at work. A friend warned me that illegally downloading movies could jeopardize my career. Ironically, I later discovered that all these movies were available for free streaming online, so I didn’t even need to download them.
I indulged in watching adult videos whenever I had free time. Occasionally, I would seek refuge at a friend’s place or have a sleepover to avoid being alone at home—watching porn. I was constantly exhausted, irritable, and struggling to concentrate at work, which left me feeling uneasy. My physical health deteriorated, and I encountered difficulties in every job. So I constantly switched workplaces, hoping for improvement, but all I found was disappointment. My addiction was a coping mechanism. I was numb to everything in life and became what the Bible says:
“They have struck me, but I was not hurt; they have beaten me, but I did not feel it. When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?”(Proverbs 23:35).
Despite being knocked down time and time again and receiving countless wake-up calls from God, I kept returning to porn, much like a drunk who always stumbles back to his old ways. Each time I woke up, I would search for porn.
I held onto the idea that marriage would fix my issues, but I was too afraid to be honest with my future wife about my porn addiction, so I put off getting married. I saw it as a betrayal. That was until I met someone who was both kind and innocent. I believed being with her could somehow heal me.
We got married, and my deep love for her caused me to lose interest in masturbating. However, during times of conflict, I turned to porn to cope. It seemed to keep me sane. I felt guilty for not being honest with my wife, but Satan’s voice always tempted me with the online thrills I indulged in.
Then came the shadow of divorce lingering around my house. My wife couldn’t stand me anymore. I was so tired of myself, and my work became more demanding. I dragged my feet every morning, dreading the hours until I could go to bed at night. It was like being in the mouth of a hungry lion, ready to eat me alive. My life was like a rock tumbling down a mountain with nothing to stop it.
Lost, Yet Stubborn
I didn’t know what to do. I was completely lost. I reached out to God and told Him I wanted to follow Him, but I was a complete mess. I asked for His help and made a promise to change. He seemed content with my little prayer, and my attempt to change was enough for Him to respond.
Things improved at home and work within weeks. The conflicts and tensions that had been lingering for months suddenly dissipated. It was like sailing through a storm and then finding still waters. But despite the peace, I found myself returning to old habits, turning away from God’s mighty hand, breaking my promise, and trying to drink from that same water He warned me about. Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again.
I organized my life in a way that guaranteed I had the free time I needed away from everyone just to watch porn. This is how bad I had gotten—and it only got worse. My addiction was real, and I couldn’t stop it. I became obsessed with touching myself, and it consumed my thoughts and actions all day long. This happened even while driving, or if I woke up at night or early in the morning before work, no matter how tired I was.
I felt as if I had seen every movie online, so I started watching different genres that were once foreign to me—LGBT, violent, and others. The ones I had resented a few years ago were now my new lust. The lines between movies and real life became blurred, and I even questioned my own sexuality.
I wondered why God hadn’t given up on me when I was giving up on myself. I prayed that He would just let me die. I was tired of myself. There was nothing good in me.
I was failing my family because I couldn’t show them what a godly man looked like. My wife deserved better than a husband who lived a life of secrets and lies. I was failing God again and again. And I wanted to escape, curl up on my couch, feeling the rush to do it all over again as I looked at the tabs I opened on my computer. I felt like an oak heading toward its own destruction.
“A dog returns to his own vomit,” and“ a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire” (2 Peter 2:22).
But there, in the darkest place, I began my journey. I wasn’t sure where it would take me, but I hoped that with my commitment to writing, I could find healing for my soul.
Oh God, where can I hide from You? To the mountain? You are there. In the deepest sea, You are there. In Jonah’s fish, You are there. In Lazarus’ tomb, You are there. You can see me and see through me.
Yet, Your voice echoes in my ears, saying:
“Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one; For my head is covered with dew” (Song of Solomon 5:2).
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me” (Revelation 3:20).
Oh God, how patient You are with me. Your patience is a mystery to me.
