When I began working in my career, the first thing I did was move out from my roommate to have my own place and uninterrupted internet access for watching all the porn I want. I’d spend days and nights downloading movies, even leaving my computer running while I was at work.
I was warned by a friend that illegally downloading movies could jeopardize my career. Ironically, I found out that all these movies were available for free streaming online, so I didn’t need to download them.
I indulge in watching adult videos whenever I have free time. Occasionally, I seek refuge at a friend’s place or have a sleepover to avoid being alone at home watching porn.
I was constantly exhausted, irritable, and struggling to concentrate at work, leaving me feeling uneasy. My physical health was a struggle, and I encountered difficulties in every job. This led me to continuously switch jobs, hoping for improvement but only finding disappointment. My addiction became a coping mechanism. I became numb to everything in life. I became what the bible says.
“They have struck me, but I was not hurt;
They have beaten me, but I did not feel it.
When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?” (Proverbs 23:35 ).
Despite how many times I was beaten, and how many wake-up calls God sends my way, I was like a drunk. Upon awakening, I will once again seek out porn.
I held onto the idea that marriage would fix my issues, but I was too afraid to be honest with my future wife about my porn addiction, so I put off getting married.
I perceived that as a betrayal.
Until I met someone who is both kind and innocent.
I believed being with her could somehow heal me.
We got married. I loved her deeply, which made me lose interest in masturbating. However, during times of conflict, I turned to porn to cope. It felt like it kept me sane. I felt guilty for not being honest with my wife. But Satan’s voice always tempts me with the online thrills I used to indulge in.
And here comes a divorce shadow lingering around my house. My wife couldn’t stand me anymore. I’m so tired of myself, my work also became more demanding. I drag my feet every morning thinking about the minutes that I go to bed at night.
I felt like I’m in a mouth of a lion who was so hungry and ready to eat me alive. I felt my life like a rock falling on a mountain, nothing to make it stop.
Lost yet Stubborn
I didn’t know what to do and felt lost. I reached out to God and told Him I wanted to follow you, but I felt like a complete mess. I asked for His help and made a promise to change. It seemed like God was content with my little prayer and just my attempt to change was enough for Him to respond.
Things improved at home and work within weeks. The conflicts and tensions that had been lingering for months suddenly dissipated. It felt like sailing through a storm, then finding still water.
But here I’m again, leaving God’s mighty hand, breaking my promise, trying to drink that same water he warned about. Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again.
Here I’m organizing my life and my time in a way that it can guarantee me the free time I needed away from everyone just to watch porn.
This is how bad I got and worse,
My addiction is real and I just can not stop it.
I have become obsessed with touching myself, and it consumes my thoughts and actions all day long. Even while driving and if I woke up at night, sometimes early before going to work regardless of how tired that can make me.
I felt like I had watched every movie online, so I started watching different genres that are not straight like LGBT and violent & others. Those which I resented a few years back now become my new lust. The lines between movies and real life became blurred, and I even questioned my own sexuality.
So many times, I wondered why God was not giving up on me. I am giving up on myself, so many times I pray that he just let me die. I am tired of myself. There’s nothing good in me.
I feel like I’m failing my family because I can’t show them what a godly man looks like.
My wife deserves better than a husband who lives a life of secrets and lies.
I am failing God again and again.
And I feel like I just want to escape, curl up on my couch, feeling the rush to do it all over again as I look at the tabs that I open on my computer. As an oak going to where he is going to be killed,
“A dog returns to his own vomit,” and, “a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire.” (2 Peter 2:22).
But here in the darkest place I will start my journey
Not sure where it is going to take me, but I hope with my commitment to write here I can find healing to my soul
Oh God, where should I go to hide from you, to the mountain? You are there. And in deepest sea you are there, in Joanna fish you are there and in Lazarus’ tomb you are there, you can see me and see through me.
But yet, your voice echoes in my ears, saying,
Open for me, my sister, my love,
My dove, my perfect one;
For my head is covered with dew (Song of Solomon 5:2).
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door,
I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. (Revelation 3:20).
Oh god how patient you are with me. Your patience is a mystery to me.
