I am dark, but lovely

I am dark, but lovely, 
O daughters of Jerusalem, 
Like the tents of Kedar, 
Like the curtains of Solomon. 
(Song of Solomon 1:5 NKJV)

If you’ve tried relentlessly to win this battle, only to find your flaws betraying you, causing you to yield to temptation, then you try again. You feel the crushing weight of shame and despair. Some days are unbearable, while others leave you completely emotionless. Yet, even amidst the deepest despair, a gentle whisper, like a song, rises from your soul.

“I am dark, but lovely.”

My desires led me here, away from Jesus, causing me to feel dark. Strangely, being apart from Him gives me a feeling of belonging, drawing me back to Him and His love. I feel lovely again.

I’ve lived in darkness most of my life. Darkness has consumed me. It’s become my identity. I am dark.

Anxiety and depression plagued me for a long time. The relentless anxiety I felt made me crave a new beginning, a clean slate, a chance to escape. Though my past was dark, I embrace a hopeful future where redemption is possible.

This darkness is not mine. It feels strange. I once was innocent. Sin cast a shadow over my soul. I was originally lovely; I was made in God’s image.

For the enemy has persecuted my soul; He has crushed my life to the ground; He has made me dwell in darkness, Like those who have long been dead. Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; My heart within me is distressed. I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands. I spread out my hands to You; My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah (Psalm 143:3-6 NKJV)

A tempting, hollow light lured me in. My past world promised me true happiness, true freedom, and the true light. This deceptive glow brought only darkness and stole my peace. It was not the true light at all.

I ran relentlessly, trying to catch it. It was elusive, like chasing the wind, a desert mirage. What I’d thought was happiness brought only anxiety like a chilling wind; and its pleasure replaced by a bitter taste. What promised freedom turned into a heavy chain, binding me to self-destructive habits.

While they promise them liberty, they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by whom a person is overcome, by him also he is brought into bondage. (2 Peter 2:19 NKJV)

What I perceived as light has now consumed me in darkness; I became dark.

Darkness surrounds me. I am trapped in sin, struggling. But there’s a glimmer of light. I hold on to his words and promises. He will save me. He will pass through my heart and rescue me. Jesus won’t forsake me; His grace and mercy are a sure refuge in times of trouble, a promise whispered on the wind. The when is a mystery, yet my faith is strong. I trust in him and that’s what makes me lovely. He will pass by me and won’t look at my nakedness.

"When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine," says the Lord GOD. (Ezekiel 16:8 NKJV)

I may be in the dark now, but I believe a brighter future awaits me. I feel dark because of my disobedience. My actions have caused my beloved to turn away. He can’t see my shame. He can’t see me naked. He turned his eyes away but he won’t leave for long, his promise to me stand.

For a mere moment I have forsaken you, But with great mercies I will gather you. (Isaiah 54:7 NKJV)

Though he turns his eyes away, his heart calls to me. I’ve shut the door, but he keeps knocking.

I sleep, but my heart is awake; It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, "Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one; For my head is covered with dew, My locks with the drops of the night." (Song of Solomon 5:2 NKJV)

I hear my soul whispering and my heart shakes. There is no one else here. Who is Your love? Who is Your dove, who is your perfect one?, it’s only me here, and I clothed myself with shame. Can you not see my darkness? My heart got tainted by its own lustful desires. The thorns have wounded me. My suffering stole my beauty. Nothing good remains. Are you saying those words to me?

Like a lily among thorns, So is my love among the daughters. (Song of Solomon 2:2 NKJV)

Do you see a fragile lily among thorns? I once feared you’d left me. I turned away, not toward you. Fear and shame became my companions. They crawl into my bed every night, invading my sleep. Those who once loved me forget my name. How can you still see me as delicate, like a lily?

"Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The LORD of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. For the LORD has called you Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, Like a youthful wife when you were refused," Says your God. (Isaiah 54:4-6 NKJV)

Yes, my lord, it is I. My spirit is heavy with sorrow; I may stumble and sin against you, but I always held your words in my heart. They were constantly on my mind. Even in the darkest times, they bring me solace. I think about them both before bed and upon waking. I clung to the promise that you would transform me, refine me, and restore my beauty.

I’m dark and lovely

Please, everyone, don’t let my inner darkness dictate who I am. Don’t shame me or belittle me. He loves me, even though I have flaws. He calls me the fairest among women. I know my past struggles, but I choose to avoid lingering on its sadness. He’s turned things around. My imperfections don’t diminish my contentment; I rejoice daily knowing I belong to Him. I am His.

I remember my darkness, but I refuse to be bound by it. I live in His light. His light makes me lovely. He cleanses me. I am whiter than the snow. I can’t clean myself. There is no goodness left in me. He is the one who purifies me. Don’t focus on my darkness.

My story begins here. My life with Jesus has started. He is my love. My darkness is no longer shameful. It is my pride. He paid a great price for it. He cleansed and saved me. I am all lovely again.

I knelt before his cross, letting his blood and sweat wash over me. Like the wounded Jew to the Samaritan, years of self-destruction had left me scarred. My stench repelled others, but not him—the one who loved me, who embraced my wounds and my brokenness. He willingly carried my burdens, understanding my straying heart, yet seeing the goodness within.

He asks me, with a voice heavy with sorrow, the price he’d paid echoing in his tone, like when he’d asked St. Peter three times after his resurrection, “Do you love me?” I can only hear a whisper from my heart, “God, you know everything; you know I love you.”

At his wedding, I’ll wear his clothes instead of my old, dark ones. His tent will protect me from the sun’s darkening rays. He will watch over me. You will no longer witness my darkness; you will see me as I am, through the one who purified me.

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Galatians 2:20 NKJV)

I may fall, but I will quickly get back up. He has declared me righteous. Even the most upright person stumbles. They always get back up. Every fall is temporary. I always rise again. I clean myself up and focus on him, leaving the dirt behind.

Some boast of their strength and victory, others rely on their wealths and others on their willpower. He left them to their bragging. He chose to stay with me instead. He looked at me with compassion, much like he looked at Zacchaeus, choosing to stay in his home despite the judgmental crowd. sure there were more deserving people in that crowd, yet He choose me. He said he’d leave the strong to be with me, for he saw my humble heart.

For all those things My hand has made, And all those things exist," Says the LORD. "But on this one will I look: On him who is poor and of a contrite spirit, And who trembles at My word. (Isaiah 66:2 NKJV)

I’m clay. That’s how everyone sees me. But in His eyes, I’m lovely. He hid his treasure in me, in my clay vessel, He kept his treasure,

Oh, you crushed souls, yearning for God, occasionally finding Him, frequently losing your way. Each day, Satan might tempt you with alluring promises, trying to pull you into his domain. You might perceive yourself as dark.

Not in Jesus’s eyes, you are not just lovely, but the most beautiful among all souls. He won’t focus on your setbacks, only on your standing tall after the fall.

Overcoming a bad habit or sinful urge can be difficult. Perhaps you haven’t fully experienced life with Jesus, leading to repeated failures. But even so, Jesus always sees the beauty in your soul when you try to pray and persevere.