The Smoke
Smoke is filling the entire house, flames engulfing it. The house trembles and begins to collapse, making it hard to see or breathe. Despite this, I believe I know the way to the exit, but the thick smoke blurs my vision, making it difficult to find my way. I frantically move from one room to another, but there is no sign of an exit. In desperation, I pray to God, and miraculously, I find myself in a room with less smoke. Finally, I can see the exit, a chance to escape. In that moment, God poses a question that has haunted me, and probably you, for years: “Do you want to feel better?”
I believed that the answer to that question was obvious—of course, I wanted to feel better. However, every action I took seemed to prove the opposite. He rescued me from the smoke, placed my feet on solid ground so they wouldn’t waver and showed me the way out. He asked me to take it, just as he asked others before me. He urged me to choose a life that would bring me true living.
“I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live” (Deuteronomy 30:19).
Instead, I chose to distance myself from Him, remaining in the smoke until the house crumbled or the smoke nearly took my life.
This question has been lingering in our minds for a long time: do we truly desire to feel better? Do we genuinely want to eliminate pornography from our lives and experience true freedom? Do you sincerely wish to live a clean and uncomplicated life? The answer may seem obvious; yet, it is undeniably difficult to say yes. Instead, we empathize with the father seeking healing for his boy in Mark Chapter 9, who, upon realizing that answering yes is not as simple as it seems, breaks down and cries, saying:
“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24).
We have lived in the grip of this addiction for so long, and strangely enough, we have grown to love it. It still possesses its own allure, like the sweet apple tempting Eve. However, we cannot bear the guilt that follows, nor being separated from Jesus. We cry out like that father, saying, “We want, O Lord, help my weak will to want You.”
We are like the Israelites of old, who despised their slavery but mourned when Moses led them out of Egypt. They longed for the minor comforts and pleasures they had left behind.
“Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said, ‘Oh, that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic” (Numbers 11:4-5 ESV).
Oh Lord, You brought me out of Egypt, the land of slavery, to grant me freedom. Yet, instead of focusing on the freedom and the new land You promised, and the miracles that have shaken heads for thousands of years, I find myself preoccupied with thoughts of the food I eat and the corners I sleep in under slavery. I read these words and wonder about those people whom You took from Egypt with a mighty hand and a strong arm. And yet, my Lord, I must admit that I am doing the same thing.
How often have You tried to set me free, yet I still cling to my old ways? Even as You take my hand and lead me away, I struggle to let go of the habits that consume me. I find myself going back, reminiscing about the lustful ways of my past. But, my Lord, I must acknowledge that it is the evil within me that longs for the old life. I am torn between what I desire and what I actually do. I desire You, but my actions day after day seem to prove the opposite. It’s the evil within me that I don’t want. I’ll overcome it. Like David, I yearn to be free from this physical body.
“Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest” (Psalm 55:6 ESV).
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I want to offer you comfort by saying that Jesus understands the struggle within you. He knows that fight inside of you. He said “And no one after drinking old wine desires new, for he says, ‘The old is good” Luke 5:39 (ESV).
He acknowledges that you might have difficulty expressing yourself, but He recognizes the internal struggle you’re facing. It’s not a matter of whether you want to win this battle or never look at porn again, but about discovering the answer to this straightforward question: do you want to feel better?
Also, He said He will help you. He promised He would make you desire Him, improve you, and remove the pain in your heart. Then, He would give you a new heart:
“For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13 ESV).
So, He’s the one who will take care of all the things that have been troubling you for a long time. He will repair and fix them, making you fall in love with Him again. All He needs in return is this:
“My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways” (Proverbs 23:26 ESV).
In the Song of Songs, it says that He is standing at the door, knocking, and whoever opens the door, He will come and sit with them. There are people on the other side of the door who may not want to let Him in, but He will patiently wait for them.
God of Transformation
He desires everyone to be saved and for the truth to prevail. He wants you to have a better life, and He believes that this better life begins when you declare, “I want it.” But when burdened by the weight of your physical desires, hindering your progress, your soul becomes clouded, like smoke filling the air. Sometimes, you cry out to God, admitting that you no longer know what you want. You realize you’re unhappy and powerless in your current situation, feeling miserable. This misery stems from being distant from God.
Oh God, I am feeling lost and exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I don’t have a deep understanding of you. But I have heard that You are the God of transformation. Instead of just offering me comfort, I need You to help me escape from this difficult situation. I need You to change me from within, to help me shed my old self and embrace a new beginning. With faith in the spirit of Gideon’s 300, who conquered the Midianites, I hope You bless my humble pursuit of You and grant me relief from my enduring burden.
You possess the power to accomplish anything, for You are the Almighty One. The earth, sun, and moon are all creations of Your hands. Even if I were to disappear or be condemned to hell, my loved ones would quickly forget about me, as if I were merely a dried cornstalk in a field. However, You claim I am valuable to You.
If this is how You perceive me, my Lord, I implore You to come to my wretched soul and grant it life. Teach me how to pray, as You, the one who instructed me to call You “Our Father.” In honor of that title, please do not leave me in my turmoil for long, even if You perceive my troubled soul to be far from Your presence.
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The Fight Within
What sets you apart from others is your willingness to answer the question: Do you want to feel better?
Jesus knows the fight that rages within you, the struggle you face. You may not see a clear path in this struggle, nor the reward to fight for. Instead, you hold on to memories of the past, the taste of something real. And here, Jesus tells you, “My beloved, if you do not know, seek after those who have won this battle, those who are already living with Me and befriending those who can heal your soul.”
“If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds’ tents” (Song of Songs 1:8 ESV).
If you truly desire to change but are unsure of how, a powerful approach is to immerse yourself in the stories of individuals who have transformed their lives. By examining how they achieved their goals, you can learn from their experiences and emulate their actions. Additionally, it is beneficial to consider the outcome of their lives and apply the same principles to your own faith. Seeking support from a group of individuals who have conquered similar challenges can also be advantageous. Surrounding yourself with people who have triumphed in this battle can inspire you to follow in their footsteps.
Be Courageous
I know that answering the question, “Do you want to feel better” is difficult, and I understand the struggles you face. I have experienced the same question day after day, and I constantly remind myself to be courageous. Just like an old heavy train, it takes a lot of power and energy to start moving. But don’t worry, God will help you through this phase. I cannot emphasize enough that it gets easier after that.
Once your train starts moving, it will keep going. You will gain speed and power—not only to keep going but to pull others, too. Every step you take in your fight is not just a step but a testament to your bravery. Keep going and remember that it will get easier to win this battle.
Start with five minutes of prayer.
WinThisBattle!
