The Smoke.
There is smoke filling the entire house, with flames engulfing it. The house starts trembling and collapsing, making it difficult to see or breathe. Despite this, you believe you know the way to the exit, but the thick smoke makes it hard to see which direction to go. You frantically move from one room to another, but there is no sign of an exit. In desperation, you pray to God, and miraculously, you find yourself in a room with less smoke. Finally, you can see the exit and have a chance to escape. In that moment, God poses a question that has haunted me and probably you for years: “Do you want to feel better?”
I believed that the answer to that question was obvious – of course, I wanted to feel better. However, every action I took seemed to prove the opposite. He rescued me from the smoke, placing my feet on solid ground so they wouldn’t waver, and showed me the way out. He asked me to take it, just as he asked others before me. He urged me to choose a life that would bring me true living.
I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live. (Deuteronomy 30:19).
But instead, I chose to distance myself from him, remaining in the smoke until the house crumbled or the smoke nearly took my life.
This question has been lingering in our minds for a long time: do we truly desire to feel better? Do we genuinely want to eliminate pornography from our lives and experience true freedom? Do you sincerely wish to live a clean and uncomplicated life? The answer may seem obvious, yet it is undeniably difficult to say yes. Instead, we empathize with the father who was seeking healing for his boy in Mark 9 who, upon realizing that answering yes is not as simple as it seems, breaks down and cries, saying,
Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24).
We have lived in the grip of this addiction for a long time and strangely enough, we have grown to love it. It still possesses its own allure, like a sweet apple tempting Eve. However, we cannot bear the guilt that follows, nor being separated from Jesus. We cry out like that father and say “We want O Lord , help my week will to wants you”
We are like the Israelites of old, who despised their slavery but mourned when Moses led them out of Egypt. They longed for the minor comforts and pleasures they had left behind.
Yearning for the past.
Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said, “Oh that we had meat to eat!, We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. (Numbers 11:4-5).
Oh Lord, you brought me out of Egypt, the land of slavery, to grant me freedom. Yet, instead of focusing on the freedom and the new land you promised, and the miracles that have shaken heads for thousands of years, I find myself preoccupied with thoughts of the food I eat and the corners I sleep in under slavery. I read these words and wonder about those people whom you took from Egypt with a mighty hand and a strong arm. And yet, my Lord, I must admit that I am doing the same thing.
How many times have you desired to set me free, and yet I still cling to my old habits and desires, even after you have taken me by the hand and walked with me, leading me away from the destructive habits that consume me? I find myself going back, reminiscing about the lustful ways of my past. But, my Lord, I must acknowledge that it is the evil within me that longs for the old life. I am torn between what I desire and what I actually do.
I desire you, but my actions day after day seem to prove the opposite. It’s the evil within me that I don’t want. I’ll overcome it. Like David, I yearn to be free from this physical body.
And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. (Psalms 55:6).
However, my dear fighter, I want to offer you some comfort by saying that Jesus understands the struggle within you. He knows that fight inside of you. He said in Luke 5:39
And no one after drinking old wine desires new, for he says, ‘The old is good.’ (Luke 5:39).
He acknowledges that you might have difficulty expressing yourself, yet he recognizes the internal struggle you’re facing. It’s not a matter of whether you want to win this battle or never look at porn again, but about discovering the answer to this straightforward question: Do you want to feel better?
Also, he said he will help you. He mentioned he would make you desire him, improve you, and remove the pain in your heart. Then, he would give you a new heart.
for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13).
So, he’s the one who will take care of all the things that have been troubling you for a long time. He will repair and fix them, making you fall in love with him again. All he needs in return is this:
My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways. (Proverbs 23:26).
In the Song of songs, it says that he is standing at the door, knocking, and whoever opens the door, he will come and sit with them. There are people on the other side of the door who may not want to let him in, but he will patiently wait for them.
God of transformation.
He wants everyone to be saved and desires for the truth to prevail. He wants you to have a better life, and believes that this better life can only begin when you declare, “I want it.” However, when you become burdened by the weight of your physical desires, hindering your progress. Your soul becomes clouded, like smoke everywhere. Sometimes, you cry out to God, admitting that you no longer know what you want. You realize you are unhappy and powerless in your current situation, feeling miserable. You understand that this misery stems from being distant from God.
I am feeling lost and exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I don’t have a deep understanding of God, but I have heard that you are the God of transformation. Instead of just offering me comfort, I need you to help me escape from this difficult situation.
I need you to change me from within, to help me shed my old self and embrace a new beginning. With faith in the spirit of Gideon’s 300, who conquers the Midianites, I hope you bless my humble pursuit of you and will grant me relief from my enduring burden.
You are valuable.
You possess the power to accomplish anything, being the almighty one. The Earth, the sun, and the moon are all creations of your hands. Even if I were to disappear or be condemned to hell, my loved ones would quickly forget about me, as if I were merely a dried cornstalk in a field. Yet, you claim I am valuable to you.
If this is how you perceive me, my lord, I implore you to come to my wretched soul and grant it to life. Teach me how to pray, as you, the one who instructed me to call you “Our Father.” In honor of that title, please do not leave me in my turmoil for long, even if you perceive my troubled soul to be far from your presence.
My dear, what sets you apart from others is your willingness to answer the question. Do you want to feel better?
Jesus knows the fight that rages within you, the struggle you face. You may not see a clear path in this struggle, nor the reward to fight for. Instead, you hold on to memories of the past, the taste of something real. And here, Jesus tells you, my beloved, if you do not know, seek after those who won this battle, those who already living with him and befriend of those who can heal your soul.
If you do not know,
O most beautiful among women,
follow in the tracks of the flock,
and pasture your young goats
beside the shepherds’ tents.
(Song of Songs 1:8).
If you truly desire to change but are unsure of how to do so, a powerful approach is to immerse yourself in the stories of individuals who have transformed their lives. By examining how they achieved their goals, you can learn from their experiences and emulate their actions. Additionally, it is beneficial to consider the outcome of their lives and apply the same principles to your own faith. Seeking support from a group of individuals who have conquered similar challenges can also be advantageous. Surrounding yourself with people who have triumphed in this battle can inspire you to follow in their footsteps.
Be courageous. I know that answering that question is difficult, and I understand the struggles you face. I have experienced the same question day after day, and I constantly remind myself to be courageous.
Just like an old heavy train, it takes a lot of power and energy to start moving. But don’t worry, God will help you through this phase. I cannot emphasize enough that it gets easier after that.
Once your train starts moving, it will keep going. You will gain speed and power not only to keep going but to pull others, too.
Every step you take in your fight is not just a step, but a testament to your bravery. Keep going, and remember that it will get easier to win this battle.
Win this battle.